Looking Down

If you had told me a year ago that tonight I'd be drinking hot chocolate at my desk in pajamas and fingerless gloves, I would have looked at myself and thought, yeah, that sounds about right. Neither my always-cold hands nor my adoration of warm drinks has changed in the past year, though I would appreciate being rid of the former.  

A year ago, the view from this metaphorical ledge would have left me teetering and forcing down nausea. But now I sit, legs crossed, looking down at the ice below. I toss dead leaves over the edge and watch them swirl in the wind. The ground under me is solid.

Last week was my first appointment with my new therapist. The day before, I drove six hours home from my partner's house. My partner and I spent New Year's Eve cuddling and watching Markiplier—she insisted, and I think I'm a fan now.

At home, even through my loneliness (long distance relationships are hard, guys), hope glittered. Maybe I'm "feeling 22" like the Taylor Swift song, and this is gonna be my year. I'm nineteen, bursting with some newfound energy, and I have realized that I can buy myself milkshakes when I want them. Being an adult is kind of cool, actually. Maybe eighteen was too much pressure.

 

 

Finally, finally, I think it's getting better. I rarely share anything about my struggles with anxiety, self-worth, and whatever else my brain decides to throw at me, but I'm trying to open up a little more. I survived my first semester of college living away from home, and more than survived it—enjoyed it.

This coming semester I'm most excited for finally getting to be part of the literary magazine staff (no one submitted in the fall, so we postponed the issue), and for my literary journalism class. I'll try to keep you updated on how this career exploration goes. On that note, I should really get back to my growing pile of readings. It turns out that I can't breeze through French like I can English—who would have guessed?

From somewhere in the middle of my mountain, happy new year! My hands are healed and the summit isn't as daunting. I hope 2022 is a good one.